Do as I say not as I do, practice what you preach, etc, etc- You’ve heard it all before (as a parent, a wife and a daughter myself, I probably hear it or say it multiple times a week!). However, as a therapist I truly try to embody what I promote with clients:
- Acknowledge the emotions I am feeling and allow myself to actually feel them without explaining it away
- I try to be kind to myself
- I try to reason with those less than helpful voices that impact my thoughts and feelings, and subsequently my actions
- I try and take time for myself- whether that is for restoration, stabilizing and regulating, or just as a part of living mindfully
- I try to notice the messages that my body is giving me all the time.
But what happens when it all goes a bit awry?
Before we start here- let me just say that these patterns are ones I notice in myself but I notice others report similar. So, typical pattern? Life becomes more demanding than normal- sleep goes to pot, the phrase ‘tea tonight is going to be beige buffet/freezer tapas’ feels like it is on repeat, the aches and pains become more familiar, you’re snapping at those around you, you find yourself staying in or avoiding social situations or maybe a few pounds creeps on here and there. Ultimately, stuck in a rut and cant see a way of not being stuck there!
No matter what we are going through, life happens.
I know this, you know this- Life doesn’t stop just because we are going through stuff- the kids will need parenting, those we have caring responsibilities for will still need care, those we have relationships with will still need connection. All of which puts a drain on the social and emotional batteries. In such times as thins, it can be usual to fall back on old patterns which can often be, at best, unhelpful and in some cases, damaging. We might try and rely on substances, we might be tempted to isolate, we might end up taking it out on those around us
In my case however- life is just life-ing and I am, it seems, am going back to old patterns- judging myself, listening to and believing those damned unhelpful voices, trying harder and doing more, becoming easily dysregulated and ignoring the cues and signals my body is giving me.
These patterns are familiar and old to me. They were ways I lived my life before I trained a s a counsellor and engaged in my own counselling. I have worked incredibly hard on changing some of these and living in an emotionally healthier way, a way that feels good for me (see some of the above list). I am not saying for one minute that this is 100% of the time, 365- 24/7- but for the majority of the time, this is how I try to live
Is there any good news?
Well, yes there is- but it can be tough and it does need work.
I have had to sit with the fact that life is busy and will always be that way whilst the demands of being a wife, a mother, a daughter and a human woman in general are still there. I have also had to sit with the fact that I am not superhuman and balancing all of this could make the best of us crumble on occasions. Yes, there are feelings of failure, of not being good enough and of anger and frustration. It is important to name these emotions and to think about what those emotions need from me (not what my brain impulsively goes to first). As an example, feeling overwhelmed by feelings of failure and not being good enough my brain often encourages we to withdraw from what is happening and freezing allows for me to shut down and shut off. What do I actually need- reducing the load, taking things one step at a time. I also need to reassure myself Be kind to myself with affirming words and evidencing it with what I have been able to do) and maybe ask that of others.
‘You can’t do this, this is too hard for you, you’re not worth x, y or, z’- sound familiar? When life keeps on life-ing and you can’t seem to get a handle on things, your ability to keep yourself emotionally healthy (because let’s be honest, in the same way it takes effort to remain physically healthy so is the same for mental and emotional health) and to maintain those practices reduces. This is the crossroads- When emotional resilience is low, the crossroads becomes unfathomable and the number of choices becomes overwhelming and paralysing. I could believe these thoughts; allow myself to not try, not to do, not to engage. This signals safety- if I don’t try I cant fail right? When I am feeling good I can navigate the crossroads- I can recognize these negative and unhelpful thougths for what they are (just thoughts, separate from me and the way I want to live). I can reason with those unhelpful, and often negative, voices; I can find evidence that will disprove what is being said and affirm that I am OK, I’m doing my best in what is an incredibly bust stressful time and thereby remain with a feeling of coping and emotional resilience. A daily affirmation or gratitude can often act as maintenance in this.
Bloody summer holidays- there is always something to do, a person needing something, a demand/request being issued. In my case, if I feel like I’m being sucked in, the temptation is to do more, be more or try harder- is logic- more to do, do more! This ends in a version of myself that can be overwhelmed, short fused, frazzled, frustrated and definitely unpopular. But, and it feels a bit counterintuitive, if I slow down and give myself a little more time for myself then I come back more efficient so I can do smarter not harder. It could be a few pages of a book, a 10-minute break for a cuppa, or half an hour for a walk (nature is always a good idea) or a longer time for a bath. You do you- what is it that makes you feel more nourished, regulated, stabilized or mindful?
In all the examples given so far of the overwhelm and the things that I have noticed have gone for me and that I need to remind myself to bring back in- one of the things I notice most- it’s the constant stomach ache, or the aches and pains at the end of the day, the disrupted sleep or the constant feeling of chasing my tail. In times like this, as mentioned above, I go into ‘more to do, do more’, ignoring my body symptoms still further. But (and if you have had therapy with me, you’ll know I love a connection with the body), our body is desperately trying to give us cues all the time. As a society, we override these all the time, in favour of living more cognitively. If we listen to what our body is signalling to us- we can get lots of information. Slowing down to give ourselves space to notice what our body and mind needs. I know that a headache for me is overwhelm. Tablets can help but the cause still exists so a built in slow down time (a weekend where we are not here, there and everywhere or an evening of not cooking or just a lazy morning) can work wonders.
But c’mon- This sounds great but how can I manage this when life is so busy?
It is hard and it does take time, hard work and small steps. Put yourself in the pecking order, put yourself (not necessarily at the top of the pile, but) somewhere in the pile for sure. That life-ing we have spoke about- it will always be there, its not going anywhere but we don’t have to get to it straight away and it shouldn’t be causing physical or mental ill health to be doing so.
Illustration by kotak kanan on Unsplash
I am taking my own advice and taking some time to slow down and connect with myself more again- there wont be a blog in August- see you the other side. Em x